Act your age, not your shoe fetish.

I’ve recently noticed that I have a shoe fetish. Ok... that's a lie. I've long known that I have a shoe fetish. But I've recently been reminded of that fact. Add that to my miniskirt fetish, and any woman with the mind to do so would realize just how easy it is to manipulate me.

In particular, I love high, high heels. Stilettos, block heels, doesn't really matter. I also like open toe sandals of most heights, preferably 1” or taller though – not so much affected by flats.

But nothing gets my attention more than 3” or 4” heels.

Even a homely looking woman that I had never taken notice of can suddenly grab my attention with the right shoes or skirt length -- or better yet, a combination of both.

On one hand, I’m ashamed of this weakness, but on the other hand, I realize that if I accept it as part of me, I can actually take advantage of it as a tool to affect my mood.

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about…

At my office there are 3 girls in my department. They are all very, very plain looking, at best. One might even venture so far as to call all three of them ugly.

But one of them caught my attention. She has a gaunt, thin face, thin lips and old, droopy eyes. She wears clothes that are generally very plain, and she is extremely thin.

But what caught my attention were her shoes! The most gorgeous, sexy shoes, apparently four-inch heels or more, peek out from under the legs of her slacks (she actually wore a nice looking slit pencil skirt today) every day.

Add to that, the one of the three that I would have considered the least attractive wore high heels of a similar type the other day, and I suddenly took notice of HER. I mean, come on, she has tiny, beady eyes that are too-close together, and big ears sticking out of the side of her head. Not attractive. But when she wore the right shoes, she was somehow magically transformed in my mind.

How can something that’s not a part of a woman’s personality, face or body affect me so much? I must be an idiot. But it does affect me. Always has.

Medeleine never wore the tallest of shoes, but the taller her shoes, or the more sandal-like they were (or the higher the boots), the more I was enamored. And the day Jackie put on those black boots she bought at I.T. was the day I fell in love with her, after such a long time of not really noticing her as an attractive woman (I’m not saying she’s not attractive or wasn’t worthy of my love, just that before the boots I honestly hadn’t noticed her).

Now I’m fortunate that Fanny has no objection to wearing tall shoes and short skirts… because I’ve got to admit that I like being happy. And when I’m physically attracted to the woman that I’m with, I’m happy! Yeah, I know, I’m petty. What a stupid criteria to base love on.

Like I said, I’m an idiot. But a lucky one. I’m also lucky that Fanny is more than a pair of shoes and a short skirt. She’s really got a soul that I love more than anything.

Wedding plans...

There's only a little less than 7 weeks left until my wedding, and I still have so much to do. And most of it costs mucho dinero.

Need to order the rings (we picked them out already), need to get the dress made (by Fanny's sister in the States), need to prder the Tux, need to confirm the cocktail party details and book the venue, figure out who to invite and send invitations, book a photographer and hair and makeup consultants.

I need to arrange my schedule, book the honeymoon trip to Phuket, buy all the accessories.

This is so expensive and time consuming!

All I know that in December I'll be on the beach with my super sexy wife in her Wicked Weasel, and for a moment I'll be able to forget about the dread of my unavoidable return to work, and the bills, bills, bills.

Yesterday was a taste of things to come. We found the perfect dress for the cocktail party... SO sexy!!! White fully sequined, halter neck with a Chinese collar, full length tight-fitting gown with straight skirt slit all the way up to the hips... when Fanny tried it on I was in awe. I've never EVER been with another woman who could look that good in a dress.

BIG step...

Well, it's official. December 1st. Very low-key. low profile, mostly for budgetary concerns.

Appointment for registration is complete. Some friends have been notified. Thinking about having a small banquet for immediate family and a cocktail cruise for friends.

Good news today...

J and C are smoothing things out, and I'm truly happy about that. It was so sad seeing a friendship wasted. Now there's only one more friendship left to be fixed.

I'm still hoping J could forgive me for what she blames me for, and we can move on. I know she's a good person, and believe it might happen. Maybe after I get married, she'll finally admit that I didn't want anything from her after all. Just the friendship that we had once upon a time.

J the last thing you said to me was a promise that you'd contact me. I'd like to introduce you to Fanny, and share with you the new things in my life that I think you would enjoy as well. We enjoyed some good times together as friends, and there's no reason we couldn't enjoy more.

I hope you're doing well.

Behind the wheel.

One of the things I managed to do before my trip to the States was replace my driver's license, which M had stolen/thrown away/defaced/coveted in order to piss me off, as a typical NPD is wont to do.

My traveler's insurance also covered personal damages and liability in case of an accident, so I was able to convince my ma to lend me the car.

I didn't tell her it had been 5 years since I had last sat behind the wheel.

I've got to be honest here. I miss it. Especially the feel of driving a manual transmission. Happily, I had no problem driving, and never had a moment of insecurity, except perhaps for the first 5 minutes. It's like riding a bicycle or making love... you never forget how. Though for the latter, I should say (or maybe not as the case may be) that I haven't had much chance to get out of practice -- my longest periods of celibacy since I first made love to a woman were probably about a year in 1995 and 3 months in 2001.

But back to the car... oh yeah, I was also reminded recently that I HAVE indeed made love in a moving automobile -- stretch limousine to be precise -- bringing my current tally up to four modes of transport (yes the airplane attempt was a success - read about it in my AFF blog).

But back to the car... It was fun driving again, reliving some of my past glories down Pacific Coast Highway through Laguna, the cool wind in my hair and some tunes on the radio, with the woman I love at my side. There are some things that definitely make life worth living.

Can't wait to make another trip to Vegas. I used to go about every six months or so, and I absolutely LOVE the drive up through the desert. I'm planning on going back to the States for two weeks at the same time next year, and a lost weekend in Vegas is definitely on the itinerary.

Anyway, I'm still missing the States a little. It's really the first time since 1997 that I've missed the States at all. I especially miss it now that I'm with someone I'd love to live there with. It's funny, but I didn't really feel that way about M... and I never really felt like I wanted to marry M, except perhaps in panic when everything went so horribly wrong... and when I was with J I was just a mess, so nothing I might have said at that time and shortly thereafter can really be taken seriously.

Yeah marry. I think I'm going to marry Fanny. And I'm 100% certain that it's going to last. We've actually been talking a lot about it lately.

That's the thing about relationships. It's really not enough just to be happy with someone, in the "here and now". You can never really be happy until you're with someone, and untiil you're totally secure in the feeling that it's going to last. And only when you have that feeling should you even contemplate marriage.

I hope everyone has the chance to feel that way about someone. To be honest, it's the second time for me. At the time, I did think things with Cathine were going to last, which is why, during the time when I was the most balanced in my life, I married her. But in hindsight, which is always 20/20, had I had more experience in love, I might not have made that decision under the same circumstances, as there were signs I should have noticed.

No signs this time. :)

Except this one:

Comic-con, Day 1

It's so nice being back in San Diego after two years. Gorgeous weather, gorgeous environment, beautiful accommodations, it's just too bad this visit is only a week.

Fanny loves it here too. It's got me to thinking... possibly... after Jeannie moves here when she finishes primary school... it might finally be time to leave Hong Kong...!!!????

Wouldn't be to bad, as long as I could find work. Fanny and I could get married and settle down... who knows?

Comic-con is pretty fun, though I'm nowhere near a comic book geek.

Plenty of cuties in costumes, and lots of things to look at and play with.

Although I'm not a comic book fan, I unfortunately ran into a few money-draining things...

First, I love the PowerPuff Girls. One of the artists who draws the PPG comics had a booth, and I bought one of his boards, and the comic that went with it. Then, out of sheer coincidence, I ran into the creator of the series! So the comic got signed by the artist and the creator, and I have the original artwork for one of the pages as well.

Second... I gasped aloud when I saw some Clive Barker Abarat prints for sale. This was my big splurge, and now I've got a gorgeous signed piece of artwork from one of my favorite people on the planet to put up on the middle of my living room wall. I'll post a photo when it's up.

Fanny joins me at the fair tomorrow, and Jeannie's not invitied. Her head would explode when she saw all the things she could play with, and we'd spend at least an hour per booth, as she'd have to study and play with every single item she saw.

Now of course, I'm not attending the convention for fun or for buying things... I'm supposed to get some business! That's going pretty well so far. Still got a lot of work to do, but I've got a good feeling we'll get some solid orders.

Until then, I'll enjoy the sun and the environment of the most beautiful city in America. We visit the world famous San Diego Zoo on Saturday and Sea World on Sunday, then we have two days in Disneyland before we fly back on Tuesday night.

Know anyone who is *NOT* interested in sex?

They may be a "Cerebral Narcissist".

When browsing the victims of NPD support group site, I frequently came across the terms "somatic narcissist" and "cerebral narcissist". I found something interesting:

From

Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity - The Somatic and the Cerebral Narcissist

by Dr. Sam Vaknin, the most outspoken expert on NPD:

"This kind of narcissist is afraid of encounters with the opposite sex and is even more afraid of emotional involvement or commitment that he fancies himself prone to develop following a sexual encounter. In general, such a narcissist withdraws not only sexually – but also emotionally..."

And continues...

"He becomes completely immersed in "big projects", lifelong plans, a vision, or a cause – all very rewarding narcissistically and all very demanding and time consuming..."

"The cerebral narcissist does not enjoy sex and by far prefers masturbation or 'objective', emotionless sex, like going to prostitutes..."

"Thus frustrated, the narcissist minimises all manner of intercourse with his close circle (spouse, children, parents, siblings, very intimate friends): sexual, verbal, or emotional. He limits himself to the rawest exchanges of information and isolates himself socially..."

"His reclusion insures against a future hurt and avoids the intimacy that he so dreads..."

"Sex, he says to himself, contentedly, is for those who can do no better..."

Wow... this sounds eerily familiar.

Knowing how uncontrollably attached I was to Medeleine dispite her abusiveness, I understand how someone can love a narcissist without good reason to do so.

Perhaps I'm not alone in my NPD victimhood.

It would explain a lot.

Oh, and Dr. Vaknin also links NPD and Pedophilia. I'd still like to see the contents of the "weird guy's"* hard drive.

* That's everbody who's ever known him's description of him. One person even said he was the "weirdest person they'd ever met in their life".

To all the girls I've loved before...

Ai Yun, Su, Cathine, Medeleine, Jackie and Fanny, thank you.

Six doesn't seem so many. there were other people in-between who have also meant quite a lot, and I could honestly say I have loved them as well, but these six were clearly the most important in my life... my "true loves".

Ai Yun, thank you for showing me the cheer and optimism that I would forever be in search of in a mate. Every woman I meet I end up comparing to you, as in most ways, you are still an ideal for me. Thank you for showing how to love freely. The most enduring thing you have left me is the memory of your innocent, honest, genuine smile.

Su, thank you for teaching me that all that glitters is not gold, and that I should be a little more protective of my heart. Thanks also for giving me the confidence that I could meet a breathtakingly beautiful, intelligent, successful woman such as yourself, but to realize that even if I meet her, she might not be the right one for me. The most enduring thing you've left me is an adoration of Christmas time as the most romantic time of year, and the romance of torrential rain beating down on the windows while a perfect connection is made, if only for a brief moment.

Cathine, thank you for diving headlong into life with me. In the end, our priorities may not have matched, but you showed me an important part of what it means to be an adult. I still look to you as an example of responsibility, and I hope I can adapt at least part of myself to be more like you in my professional life. I've still got a long way to go. The most enduring thing you've left me is a wonderful mother for my precious little girl; a perfect balance of yang for my yin in her life.

Medeleine, so far I can honestly say you had the most influence on me. So much bliss, yet so much heartbreak. You've changed my perception of the world in so many ways. I've seen one of the darkest sides of the world through your eyes. I've also felt more connected to you than anyone else in my life. I could feel your suffering, and I wanted so much to help you deal with it. But now I know I never had that power. No one has that power except you. I'm sorry you've had to suffer so much, and I hope you can learn that life is not always defined by the things you hate, but that it can be defined by the things that you love. You've given me a lot culturally as well. Helping me to develop the activism in me. You shared music (Elbow, Faithless) and entertainment (Buffy) that have been wonderful additions to my life as well. I can't really say what endures from you. There are so many. Unfortunately, there was also never any closure. Perhaps with closure, I would be able to say what you left me with that was most important.

Jackie, like Su, you also showed me that there are some people whose heart may not be as enduring as mine, and that's lamentable. I still don't understand you at all... I'm aware that you're not NPD like Medeleine, yet you seem to have no ability to empathize... so I'm still so confused about you. I really don't know what you want out of life, and I don't think you do, either, except for "him". You seemed to want security, but then you don't. You seemed to want to do something you could be proud of (activism), but then you quit. You seemed to want to love, but then you run away from it. Sometimes you don't seem to have any personal identity. Like your entire self has been defined by what you think are someone else's expectations of you. You are unable to be yourself, which is a sweet, childlike, innocent, honest yet incredibly intelligent woman. One of the things you are missing out on is the fact that there is room in your heart for more than one person. And like Medeleine there was also no closure between us. That's why I keep blogging about you. It's my therapy for dealing with a pain that I feel on a daily basis. That pain is rooted in the loss of what I honestly believed was an incomparable friendship. There was a conenction with you long before we ever were involved romantically that transcends how I feel for my other friends.

I understand your need to break up the romantic relationship. But there's no reason ever to break up such a meaningful friendship. I also hope you can repair your friendhsip with Charmaine. She too deserves better from someone she considered a lifelong friend. Honestly, she and I both do. We've given you so much of our hearts that your other less "troublesome" (yet) friends have not. Can't you just give the slightest bit back? Anyway, I'm always here for you if you ever need me in any way. The minute you say "hello" to me, I will only look to the future, and the past will be settled. Please. Just say "hello" and we can start the friendship over. I honestly don't want or need anything else from you. I hope you can care about that sentiment, even if just a little.

The most enduring thing you've left me, unfortunately, is all this uncertainty, and an even greater fear of abandonment than I'd had before.

Fanny... our lives have just begun. Finally I've met someone I can trust forever. I'm certain you'll be the last of my true loves. Thank you.

To close, a quote from the band Elbow, which Medleleine introduced me to (thanks again, Med)...

We still believe in love, so fuck you.

Not taking any chances this time... LOL

The last time I flew to the States, two years ago, I left a girlfriend that I loved behind. when I came back I found my life was soon to be devastated by her cruelty. Recovering from that was the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. I was nearly destroyed.

There was someone who helped me out for a while, but only for as long as she felt that she had something to gain from me. As soon as she felt threatened by the prospect of commitment, she ran away and hurt me as well. In order to justify her own cruelty to me, she blamed me for it, as if I were the one whose feelings and actions had changed in a hurtful, selfish way (I guess she might have thought it was selfish for me to love her -- how DARE I!).

Gradually, despite this second trauma, I picked myself up yet again. I refuse to hate women for what they have done to me. I am not so weak that I would become "jaded" by a woman who threw away three years of love because she found a new whim, or by another who one week claimed to love me more than anyone she had ever been with, only to turn around the next week and run away the minute my feelings for her were anything but detached.

Now, because of my strength, and my resilience, my life is better than ever, financially and romantically.

And I'm going back to relive that summer for a few days. Only this time I'm sharing this journey with my love.

It's not that Fanny would be selfish or cruel enough to behave as badly as those in my past; quite the contrary. She would miss me endlessly. We haven't sent a single night apart in the last year. The last night I spent away from her was my birthday night when Charmaine was there for me while Jackie twisted the knife she had in my back (she will never ever understand how cruel she was that night).

No, it's not that I'm afraid Fanny will forget about me or forsake me in that week I'd be in the States. It's just that this time I want to share my experience with the one who means the world to me, and I have the means to do so.

I would have liked to have such an experience with Jackie, as I did love her, and I would definitely have done so, had she stood by my side. But her fear of commitment meant that it would never happen.

I shared plenty of trips with Medeleine, but there was always the problem that she had to loan me the money for my ticket, and she resented me for that very very much.

That I'm buying Fanny's ticket makes this trip so much more special. I know my parents will love her as much as Jeannie does. My best friend Charmaine loves her and thinks she's perfect for me and Jeannie's mom seems to like her as well. It's impossible not to love someone so selfless and kind, yet so intelligent.

I can't wait to visit the Zoo, Disneyland in Anaheim, and share nice times with my family, and hopefully make it to the beautiful California beaches as well.

There are so many advantages to being in a strong, commited relationship with one person. Advantages that cannot even begin to be matched in singlehood.

I am blessed to have that chance once again. I wish everyone could realize how wonderful such a feeling is, and not be threatened by the worthwhile trade of a little freedom for a hell of a lot of security and mostly, love.

The Snake Story

A little girl was walking and came upon a snake. She looked down at it and the snake spoke. "Please pick me up. I am cold and need you." The little girl looked at the snake and thought something didn't seem right.

She said "You are one of those poisonous snakes. If I pick you up you will bite me and your bite is poisonous and I could die."

The snake spoke again and said, "No, I would never bit you. I am not poisonous. You are different and you are special. I would never hurt you....please pick me up."

So the little girl with the giant heart looked with empathy and said..."Okay." She picked the snake up and walked a few steps and felt a sharp pain. The snake had indeed bit her! The little girl became weak and sick.

She looked at the snake and said, "You said you would not bite me. You said you were not poisonous. You said I was different and special." The snake looked at the little girl, laughed and hissed and said....

"You knew what I was when you picked me up." and slithered away.

Smooth sailing.

It's so nice when all the pieces fall into place. I've been so happy lately, and there's nothing much that I really need to worry about. My financial problems are over, and I have two small policies I'm working on for Jeannie's future. I probably didn't need the second one, or could have found a slightly better investment, but it's always nice to do a friend a favor.

As strong as it already is, my relationship with Fanny is growing stronger every day. I now feel better about this relationship than I have with any other in my past. Our one year anniversary is coming up very soon!!!

We're going to go the San Diego at the End of July and I can't wait! I always knew I was a good man, and Fanny makes me feel it more than anyone possibly could. For once there's someone on this earth who is capable of appreciating what I have in my heart to give.

That's why I love Fanny so much. She doesn't have anything material to bring to the relationship, in fact I'm paying her rent. So she can't delude herself like Medeleine did that I wanted some material advantage from her. Also, although she has a Master's degree in Finance, she decided to quit the banking business and work at Disneyland for less than half the salary because she likes it. Now those are real values. And she'll never blame me for the decisions I make about my career, and she'll give me the moral support I need 100% of the way, no matter what decision I make.

So Fanny knows I'm with her just because I love her, for the person she is, and because she's not like other people with selfish material values. She's the type of person who even after a lifelong relationship, would still be happier waking up in my arms in our humble Kennedy Town flat than in waking up alone in some one night stand's luxury serviced apartment. Those are real values.

Those are values she had once, when we were together on Lamma. But something happened. I still remember the first sign of it. The very first sign. She came home one evening and said, "Guess who I had dinner with?" I knew. Then she said "I still like him a lot a lot." I knew, but was confident that she still liked me a lot a lot too. But then, that same night, she said, "Don't hold me tonight," and I should have realized then and there that it could never work out between us. She would always want something different from what she had.

What she didn't know... what she didn't appreciate... was that I loved her for who she was too. Not because of what I wanted her to be... not because I wanted to be with someone -- anyone... but because I loved her.

Some people might wonder why I dwell on the past so much. I wonder why people can't cherish the past, and learn from it, and take those things from the past that still have value. Cherish the good times. Learn from the mistakes. An never, never ever forsake the value of friendship. I hope there's never again a friendship that has to end. It's the ultimate waste.

Jackie, I'd like to be your friend again. There was, and is still value in a friendship between us. The past is the past, but the present doesn't have to be severed from it. When we can accept the past for what it was, and take the valuable parts of it with us into the future... that is the road to wisdom.

To sever the past and start over and over and over again, holding grudges and never changing your mind... that is the path to loneliness and, eventually, despair.

Jackie, if I know you, you'll have moments where you feel desperate. If you need help of any kind that I can provide (any kind that doesn't affect my relationship with Fanny), you can depend on me to be there. Those are my values.

*** EDIT *** > Removed some childish stuff...

My own public IDAHO

After having been so tied up with work and personal issues, it's so nice to once again have the time to devote to the issues that concern me.

My relationship is stable and happy, and I've quit my part-time after paying off my debt, so I can go back to my social responsibility.

This past Sunday I joined Roddy Shaw for the Hong Kong march for the International Day against Homophobia (IDAHO). It was so nice seeing an old friend, and I'm glad to have had the chance to help Roddy and help Hong Kong.

I did see my ex- and came upon one revelation: I have absolutely no romantic feelings for her in any way. My current girlfriend is so much better for me. She is more attractive, more appreciative, kinder, more generous and more thoughtful. But I still do regret the loss of a friend, and I still do feel angry at her for not returning my belongings. Once again, shame on you, Medeleine. You are a better person than this. Please contact me about my things and what you plan on doing about them as soon as you can.

Took some nice photos, despite the weather, and will post some soon.

I also have no romantic feelings for my other ex as well, and again, regret the loss of a friend. I have lots of things that I want to share with her, and we have so much in common it's a real shame not to be friends, when true friendship -- actually caring about someone and not wanting anything from them in return -- is such a rarity.

I was seriously disappointed that the mainstream media did not report at all on this year's IDAHO march. SCMP did print a photo with a caption, but no story. As far as I know, no other newspaper reported on the event at all. Shame on self-censorship.

I do hope I have more chance to participate in political events. Unfortunately, I take care of my daughter on most Sundays, and she doesn't like to go to marches any more. I hope she can grow to appreciate political activism once again soon.

I think Roddy might appreciate some help with CR4SD, as it seems he doesn't have a lot of volunteers offering to help him out. As I mentioned in one of my earliest blog entries here, he was and will always be one of my heroes for standing up for his rights and the rights of all those who wish to live their life as they see fit. It's also a way for me to get involved without having to have too much interaction with Medeleine.

Anyway, I expect the next event I'll join will be the June 3rd march in advance of the June 4th vigil. I won't join the Monitor this year. I'm tired of doing work for Law Yuk-kai without any acknowledgment of appreciation. He's a good advocate, a terrible manager, and unfortunately, not a very good friend. I still hope the Monitor can get better human resources and financial management and leave Law to manage the issues.

I know someone who used to attend June 4th every year, but, presumably because she's been too busy, she hasn't shown up in recent years. I hope she can be compelled to plan her schedule this year so she can attend. Or maybe she really just doesn't care any more.

This year will be even better because there won't be any fund-raising activities at the vigil, which will make it a much more solemn event, and I fully support participating organizations' decision to do it this way this year.

The Selfishness Test (OKCupid!)

The Selfishness Test

Here's my honest result:

Saint
You are much too nice. You genuinely care about others and the feelings of others and remain honest and sincere. Others may see you as weak-willed and you should beware of those that might try to prey upon you. Don't forget to take care of yourself in relationships, or you will become a victim of your own selflessness.

Remember, ANSWER HONESTLY!!!!

Romance: False prophets and empty ideals...

I've just finished a pretty decent (though not great) book, considered to be a classic by one of the most well-respected authors of our time: Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

It's a pretty straightforward account of a man (Florentino Ariza) who loves a particular woman (Fermina Daza) for his entire life, even though she doesn't love him. He goes on to live his life from one meaningless sexual encounter to another to divert himself from loneliness, and whenever anyone gets too close, he rebuffs them, because in his mind, he can never love anyone except for Fermina Daza.

How silly.

This is the real world. The idea that there may be "the one" sounds romantic, but it's just plain nutty. Think of it this way... if there really is "the one" for a person, out of 6.6 BILLION people in the world, what would be the chance of ANYONE finding their "the one". There's actually a pretty good chance that if you think someone is "the one", you're wrong, and a decision not to move on when your romance with "the one" can affect you for the rest of your life.

The fact is that there is no such thing as "the one" and holding on to the idea that someone (who might even have been so honest as to say they can never love you) might be "the one", and waiting for them to "come around" can only -- as the book proves -- lead to a very long, loveless life.

And when someone you love no longer loves you, MOVE ON! Let them go. Don't just pass the time with superficial relationships. But look for the next one you truly love, as a new person, not needing to be compared to the target of your unrequited teenagesque idolatry.

In my opinion, when we've lost someone, and then we manage to find someone we can love, and they love you, we really should try our best to make things work, even when imperfections appear! Don't be a quitter. And don't hold on to "the one", who has already told you you weren't for him/her.

When I lost M, who I loved with all of my heart, I tried to fix things for months. But I was still prepared to move on.

That says NOTHING about whether my love for M was true! Only that I think it's idiotic to live a loveless life just because of one rejection.

I guarantee you I loved M every bit as much as Florentino Ariza loved Fermina Daza. I just wasn't as stupid as he was, and knew when I had to move on, instead of filling my time with meaningless sexual relationships and rejecting anyone who gets too close, as Florentino did.

Sigh...

So rare to find someone who shares your interests so closely... and such an utter waste not to be able to share them together, as friends.

More on NPD

While I didn't suffer the physical abuse reported in this story, it made me cry, as I realised just how much I suffered emotionally, and that I am not alone.

"But I Still Love Her"

As I read more and more about NPD, I am shocked by how -- detail-by-detail -- this matches my experience with M.

Soon, she who could make me the happiest person could also make me feel like unlovable scum. So when I was hit, as she told me, I deserved it. If only I could not be so tired and stay awake all night with her and do the shopping, cleaning, DIY, cooking, and earn more and spend more time with her and drive her everywhere but not drive so badly, and tell her something interesting and listen to her more and be like her ex (who had left one day without saying bye after four months) and always be there for her and get out when she told me, she wouldn't get angry with me. Soon the eggshells were so scattered that it was difficult to walk anywhere.

Every detail, save the physical abuse, is consistent with my experience. Even down to the detail of the ex who left without a word.

This really makes me understand what happend much better... and I know now that I can blame neither myself -- nor her -- for what happened, but can only blame the illness.

In my experience, and according to what I've been reading, at the forefront the symptoms of NPD is a complete lack of empathy - the ability to understand or care about how others feel, or to be aware of or care about others' needs.

From what I read, there's nothing at all we can do to help those with NPD to develop what they seem to need most -- a conscience.

I used to think I could reason with them, and that only made things worse -- much worse. Now I just have to accept this disease the way I would accept someone with a physical handicap. And realize that they will never change. And when I'm drawn to another woman who suffers from this illness, as I'm sure I will be, while I can care to a certain extent, as I care about all people, I need to maintain complete detachment, and that means I can never allow myself to love them. Never again.

Sigh.

My Passions - Photography

I mentioned in the below entry what my passions are (or at least what I was thinking of when I wrote it).

One of those passions on the list was taking photos of the ones I love.

This has been so wonderful with Fanny... she's the most willing subject ever, as you can see on this site. We've actually shared a few of these, and some much, much sexier (and dirtier), online, and received overwhelming response. It's absolutely thrilling when a stranger exclaims about my girlfriend "you are so hot" or uses adjectives like "stunning" or "amazing". What a rush! One of the best compliments was from a man who said "you have skin like silk!". Nice. It's also nice that I don't need to use Photoshop or something to make my girlfriend look good enough to receive comments like this.

Now, I've got loads to look forward to! I've just gotten my dream camera, a digital SLR that has great image stabilization for blur-free night shots, and one that works with all of my Minolta lenses (now I'm so glad I couldn't get anyone to buy my stuff when I was broke). It's the Sony Alpha 100, and it's gorgeous to look at, and even better to use.

I haven't posted any pics taken with the camera yet, but I will...

Meanwhile, check out some of my work and click on the link above, "My Love" (editor's note - I'll have to reupload the gallery later). I'll also post some beautiful photos of my daughter later, so keep coming back. With the Christmas season here, there will be plenty of gorgeous locales to shoot.

And to think I was so close to giving that all up...

Life's Passions

In my darkest hour last year, when I really felt on the edge, there were a few things that helped me to hang in there, and not give up. Of course, the most important of those was my daughter, Jeannie, whom I love more than anything. No matter how cruel life (and people) could be, I couldn't pass that cruelty on to this wonderful, innocent, and perfect little girl by denying her a loving father.

The other thing that kept me going was thinking about my passions in life. I think about what the things are that I love most in life, and how would I feel to never be able to experience those things again.

Not everybody has something as wonderful as a perfect child or a loving spouse, but most, if not all of us, have something in life that we're truly passionate about.

To some those passions might be the feeling of success in their career, creating artowrk, spending time with their families, having mindblowing sex, simply relaxing in a warm bath... etc.

To me, my passions are simple.

1. A warm embrace and a soft kiss from someone who loves me.

2. A day at the beach.

3. Buying gifts for myself, and for those I love.

4. Gadgets, gadgets, gadgets... iPods, cameras, computers...

5. Writing a particularly poignant essay on whatever is on my mind.

6. Going out on the town with my girlfriend (or wife) dressed to the nines (or at least hot enough to make me blush).

7. Taking photos of the ones I love.

The idea that if I left this world today, I would never be able to experience those passions is a very strong source of motivation to keep "rambling on".

Now, my life is going so well, I don't have to concentrate on these things to keep going any more. I have a wonderful girlfriend who loves me, today, right now, and in the foreseeable future. I have been spending quality time with my daughter, and contributing quite a bit more than what's required to her expenses, and to her future. I have a great job (2 great jobs) and a sustainable income that's higher than I've ever had in the past. I've got all the gadgets I want the most, or will soon have them (still on my list a new underwater camera, and an 80GB or higher iPod). I've got a great home and everything is in its right place (still upset that I've lost two very dear friends though -- though I'm still hoping I may heal those relationships some day).

The only thing I don't have right now is time or sleep (I sleep 5 hours a night or less most of the time, mostly because I sacrifice sleep for spending time with my girlfriend), but that'll improve gradually.

But if something bad happens in the future, I'll look back at my passions, and keep going, like a Duracell bunny...

Bliss.

I've been very very happy in my personal and leisure life lately. Work could potentially be very good, but I'm still struggling to be productive.

The teaching is great, simply because I'm forced to do it, I have no choice but stand in front of the little kids for 30 minutes or an hour at a time, and try to keep them entertained, keep them calm, and maybe help them pick up a little English and a little confidence.

But like I said, I love my personal life lately. While it does remind me a lot of my time with M., and also of the best of the best time with J. (on Lamma during the Santa Claus days when she told me daily how much more she loved me than the day before), there's none of that sickening abuse I suffered under M., and no sign of the heartbreaking neglect I suffered in the later days with Ms. J.

In fact, Fanny offers so much love and appreciation - and attention - it's been making me feel a sense of true contentment I haven't felt in nearly a decade. Just a few weeks ago I was still - even after four months together - doubting my ability to devote myself to her. But now, I know very clearly that I can truly love her the way I loved M and J, and I want nothing more than to spend as much time with her as possible. Something just clicked in these last few weeks. That's why I keep feeling compelled to write about it.

An aside: I know very few people read this blog, but really I don't care as I write for no one except myself, as a therapeutic avenue to express my feelings whenever they begin smothering me as they are wont to do. If someone cares to observe, my exhibitionist tendencies shout, "Venez! Voyez! Vivez!"

So I go through each day answering emails to my clients, inspiring three, four and five year-olds, reading Nabokov, listening to Placebo, knowing happily that at the end of the day there's someone at home waiting for me, ready to tell me how much she loves me and loving the way I tell her that I love her, sharing our lives, our kisses, and even our tears, together.

Then the weekend comes and it's sublime. I get to see the daughter I love, spend time with the woman I love, eat good food together, go shopping together, watch movies, play games, listen to music, sleep, with my arm around the woman I love, or with her arm around me, and then I know that the week's suffering two jobs and very little sleep was all worth it.

Every weekend makes every week worth it when I'm with Fanny. I wish everyone could have that feeling... that all their suffering through a job they perhaps hate, leads to something wonderful, and, if they deserve, someone wonderful.

Halloweekend Love

What a weekend. I just love the idea of one night (or weekend, as the case may be) per year where we can kind of let our inhibitions go in this way. Next year I will absolutely go all out, and prepare my costume months in advance.

My girlfriend was sooooo cute in her little outfit, and sexy as sin... the white lace-top stockings and the pigtails completed the overgrown lolita effect perfectly.

And we were so naughty on the bus over, and especially in the taxi and when we got back home.

Regarding my GF, I'm really getting used to her goofiness, and starting to think that this might end up being a much bigger deal than I had thought, and at least as big as I had hoped. My feelings these past few days have been so intense. It's the first time I've had feelings this strong in quite a while now, and it's nice to be obsessing about someone who's actually *nice* to me for a change... and I hope the dozen red roses I bought her made her feel special too. The idea that not only do I love her from my heart, but that logic tells me that she deserves that love as well... is really comforting, and not something I'm used to. I'm happy to treat her well. With the last two girlfriends I had to ask myself, "Other than sex, why am I with this woman? Yeah, she's smart and sexy, but don't I deserve better than someone so mean and selfish?" With Fanny I know exactly why. And she is better. And there's not a mean or selfish bone in her body.

I'm really glad my best friend C likes her too!

Now it's time to get back to work... :)