To all the girls I've loved before...
Ai Yun, Su, Cathine, Medeleine, Jackie and Fanny, thank you.
Six doesn't seem so many. there were other people in-between who have also meant quite a lot, and I could honestly say I have loved them as well, but these six were clearly the most important in my life... my "true loves".
Ai Yun, thank you for showing me the cheer and optimism that I would forever be in search of in a mate. Every woman I meet I end up comparing to you, as in most ways, you are still an ideal for me. Thank you for showing how to love freely. The most enduring thing you have left me is the memory of your innocent, honest, genuine smile.
Su, thank you for teaching me that all that glitters is not gold, and that I should be a little more protective of my heart. Thanks also for giving me the confidence that I could meet a breathtakingly beautiful, intelligent, successful woman such as yourself, but to realize that even if I meet her, she might not be the right one for me. The most enduring thing you've left me is an adoration of Christmas time as the most romantic time of year, and the romance of torrential rain beating down on the windows while a perfect connection is made, if only for a brief moment.
Cathine, thank you for diving headlong into life with me. In the end, our priorities may not have matched, but you showed me an important part of what it means to be an adult. I still look to you as an example of responsibility, and I hope I can adapt at least part of myself to be more like you in my professional life. I've still got a long way to go. The most enduring thing you've left me is a wonderful mother for my precious little girl; a perfect balance of yang for my yin in her life.
Medeleine, so far I can honestly say you had the most influence on me. So much bliss, yet so much heartbreak. You've changed my perception of the world in so many ways. I've seen one of the darkest sides of the world through your eyes. I've also felt more connected to you than anyone else in my life. I could feel your suffering, and I wanted so much to help you deal with it. But now I know I never had that power. No one has that power except you. I'm sorry you've had to suffer so much, and I hope you can learn that life is not always defined by the things you hate, but that it can be defined by the things that you love. You've given me a lot culturally as well. Helping me to develop the activism in me. You shared music (Elbow, Faithless) and entertainment (Buffy) that have been wonderful additions to my life as well. I can't really say what endures from you. There are so many. Unfortunately, there was also never any closure. Perhaps with closure, I would be able to say what you left me with that was most important.
Jackie, like Su, you also showed me that there are some people whose heart may not be as enduring as mine, and that's lamentable. I still don't understand you at all... I'm aware that you're not NPD like Medeleine, yet you seem to have no ability to empathize... so I'm still so confused about you. I really don't know what you want out of life, and I don't think you do, either, except for "him". You seemed to want security, but then you don't. You seemed to want to do something you could be proud of (activism), but then you quit. You seemed to want to love, but then you run away from it. Sometimes you don't seem to have any personal identity. Like your entire self has been defined by what you think are someone else's expectations of you. You are unable to be yourself, which is a sweet, childlike, innocent, honest yet incredibly intelligent woman. One of the things you are missing out on is the fact that there is room in your heart for more than one person. And like Medeleine there was also no closure between us. That's why I keep blogging about you. It's my therapy for dealing with a pain that I feel on a daily basis. That pain is rooted in the loss of what I honestly believed was an incomparable friendship. There was a conenction with you long before we ever were involved romantically that transcends how I feel for my other friends.
I understand your need to break up the romantic relationship. But there's no reason ever to break up such a meaningful friendship. I also hope you can repair your friendhsip with Charmaine. She too deserves better from someone she considered a lifelong friend. Honestly, she and I both do. We've given you so much of our hearts that your other less "troublesome" (yet) friends have not. Can't you just give the slightest bit back? Anyway, I'm always here for you if you ever need me in any way. The minute you say "hello" to me, I will only look to the future, and the past will be settled. Please. Just say "hello" and we can start the friendship over. I honestly don't want or need anything else from you. I hope you can care about that sentiment, even if just a little.
The most enduring thing you've left me, unfortunately, is all this uncertainty, and an even greater fear of abandonment than I'd had before.
Fanny... our lives have just begun. Finally I've met someone I can trust forever. I'm certain you'll be the last of my true loves. Thank you.
To close, a quote from the band Elbow, which Medleleine introduced me to (thanks again, Med)...
We still believe in love, so fuck you.
Six doesn't seem so many. there were other people in-between who have also meant quite a lot, and I could honestly say I have loved them as well, but these six were clearly the most important in my life... my "true loves".
Ai Yun, thank you for showing me the cheer and optimism that I would forever be in search of in a mate. Every woman I meet I end up comparing to you, as in most ways, you are still an ideal for me. Thank you for showing how to love freely. The most enduring thing you have left me is the memory of your innocent, honest, genuine smile.
Su, thank you for teaching me that all that glitters is not gold, and that I should be a little more protective of my heart. Thanks also for giving me the confidence that I could meet a breathtakingly beautiful, intelligent, successful woman such as yourself, but to realize that even if I meet her, she might not be the right one for me. The most enduring thing you've left me is an adoration of Christmas time as the most romantic time of year, and the romance of torrential rain beating down on the windows while a perfect connection is made, if only for a brief moment.
Cathine, thank you for diving headlong into life with me. In the end, our priorities may not have matched, but you showed me an important part of what it means to be an adult. I still look to you as an example of responsibility, and I hope I can adapt at least part of myself to be more like you in my professional life. I've still got a long way to go. The most enduring thing you've left me is a wonderful mother for my precious little girl; a perfect balance of yang for my yin in her life.
Medeleine, so far I can honestly say you had the most influence on me. So much bliss, yet so much heartbreak. You've changed my perception of the world in so many ways. I've seen one of the darkest sides of the world through your eyes. I've also felt more connected to you than anyone else in my life. I could feel your suffering, and I wanted so much to help you deal with it. But now I know I never had that power. No one has that power except you. I'm sorry you've had to suffer so much, and I hope you can learn that life is not always defined by the things you hate, but that it can be defined by the things that you love. You've given me a lot culturally as well. Helping me to develop the activism in me. You shared music (Elbow, Faithless) and entertainment (Buffy) that have been wonderful additions to my life as well. I can't really say what endures from you. There are so many. Unfortunately, there was also never any closure. Perhaps with closure, I would be able to say what you left me with that was most important.
Jackie, like Su, you also showed me that there are some people whose heart may not be as enduring as mine, and that's lamentable. I still don't understand you at all... I'm aware that you're not NPD like Medeleine, yet you seem to have no ability to empathize... so I'm still so confused about you. I really don't know what you want out of life, and I don't think you do, either, except for "him". You seemed to want security, but then you don't. You seemed to want to do something you could be proud of (activism), but then you quit. You seemed to want to love, but then you run away from it. Sometimes you don't seem to have any personal identity. Like your entire self has been defined by what you think are someone else's expectations of you. You are unable to be yourself, which is a sweet, childlike, innocent, honest yet incredibly intelligent woman. One of the things you are missing out on is the fact that there is room in your heart for more than one person. And like Medeleine there was also no closure between us. That's why I keep blogging about you. It's my therapy for dealing with a pain that I feel on a daily basis. That pain is rooted in the loss of what I honestly believed was an incomparable friendship. There was a conenction with you long before we ever were involved romantically that transcends how I feel for my other friends.
I understand your need to break up the romantic relationship. But there's no reason ever to break up such a meaningful friendship. I also hope you can repair your friendhsip with Charmaine. She too deserves better from someone she considered a lifelong friend. Honestly, she and I both do. We've given you so much of our hearts that your other less "troublesome" (yet) friends have not. Can't you just give the slightest bit back? Anyway, I'm always here for you if you ever need me in any way. The minute you say "hello" to me, I will only look to the future, and the past will be settled. Please. Just say "hello" and we can start the friendship over. I honestly don't want or need anything else from you. I hope you can care about that sentiment, even if just a little.
The most enduring thing you've left me, unfortunately, is all this uncertainty, and an even greater fear of abandonment than I'd had before.
Fanny... our lives have just begun. Finally I've met someone I can trust forever. I'm certain you'll be the last of my true loves. Thank you.
To close, a quote from the band Elbow, which Medleleine introduced me to (thanks again, Med)...
We still believe in love, so fuck you.
Labels: personal, relationships
posted by tonton | 1:23 pm
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