It's so nice when all the pieces fall into place. I've been so happy lately, and there's nothing much that I really need to worry about. My financial problems are over, and I have two small policies I'm working on for Jeannie's future. I probably didn't need the second one, or could have found a slightly better investment, but it's always nice to do a friend a favor.
As strong as it already is, my relationship with Fanny is growing stronger every day. I now feel better about this relationship than I have with any other in my past. Our one year anniversary is coming up very soon!!!
We're going to go the San Diego at the End of July and I can't wait! I always knew I was a good man, and Fanny makes me feel it more than anyone possibly could. For once there's someone on this earth who is capable of appreciating what I have in my heart to give.
That's why I love Fanny so much. She doesn't have anything material to bring to the relationship, in fact I'm paying her rent. So she can't delude herself like Medeleine did that I wanted some material advantage from her. Also, although she has a Master's degree in Finance, she decided to quit the banking business and work at Disneyland for less than half the salary because she likes it. Now those are real values. And she'll never blame me for the decisions I make about my career, and she'll give me the moral support I need 100% of the way, no matter what decision I make.
So Fanny knows I'm with her just because I love her, for the person she is, and because she's not like other people with selfish material values. She's the type of person who even after a lifelong relationship, would still be happier waking up in my arms in our humble Kennedy Town flat than in waking up alone in some one night stand's luxury serviced apartment. Those are real values.
Those are values
she had once, when we were together on Lamma. But something happened. I still remember the first sign of it. The very first sign. She came home one evening and said, "Guess who I had dinner with?" I knew. Then she said "I still like him a lot a lot." I knew, but was confident that she still liked me a lot a lot too. But then, that same night, she said, "Don't hold me tonight," and I should have realized then and there that it could never work out between us. She would always want something different from what she had.
What she didn't know... what she didn't appreciate... was that I loved her for who she was too. Not because of what I wanted her to be... not because I wanted to be with someone -- anyone... but because I loved her.
Some people might wonder why I dwell on the past so much. I wonder why people can't cherish the past, and learn from it, and take those things from the past that still have value. Cherish the good times. Learn from the mistakes. An never, never ever forsake the value of friendship. I hope there's never again a friendship that has to end. It's the ultimate waste.
Jackie, I'd like to be your friend again. There was, and is still value in a friendship between us. The past is the past, but the present doesn't have to be severed from it. When we can accept the past for what it was, and take the valuable parts of it with us into the future... that is the road to wisdom.
To sever the past and start over and over and over again, holding grudges and never changing your mind... that is the path to loneliness and, eventually, despair.
Jackie, if I know you, you'll have moments where you feel desperate. If you need help of any kind that I can provide (any kind that doesn't affect my relationship with Fanny), you can depend on me to be there. Those are
my values.
*** EDIT *** > Removed some childish stuff...
Labels: personal, psychology, relationships
