Thanks, Jeff

I first heard Jeff Buckley's incredible cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" in an acoustic compilation, and was instantly enchanted by the strength of his emotion, the clarity of his vocal and the sadness of his guitar. As a fan of Leonard Cohen, Nick Drake, David Gray, Damien Rice and James Blunt, it's no surprise that I would become a fan.

Jeff Buckley died in 1997.

And the world is worse off for its loss

One of the songs that was oddly chosen not to be released on Jeff's acclaimed album Grace was "Forget Her".

"Forget Her"
Jeff Buckley

while the city's busy sleeping
all your troubles lie awake
i walk the streets to stop my weeping
but she'll never change her ways

don't fool yourself
she was heartache from the moment that you met her
my heart feels so still
as i try to find the will to forget her somehow
oh i think i've forgotten her now

her love is a rose dead and dying
dropping her petals and man i know
all full of wine the world before her
but sober with no place to go

don't fool yourself
she was heartache from the moment that you met her
my heart is frozen still
as i try to find the will to forget her somehow
she's somewhere out there now

oh my tears fall down as i tried to forget
the love was a joke from the day that we met
all of the words all of her men
all of my pain when i think back to when
remember her hair as it shone in the sun
it was there on the bed when i knew what she'd done
tell yourself over and over you wont ever need her again

don't fool yourself
she was heartache from the moment that you met her
oh my heart is frozen still
as i try to find the will to forget her somehow
she's out there somewhere now

oh
she was heartache from the day that i first met her
my heart is frozen still
as i try to find the will to forget you somehow
cause i know you're somewhere out there right now

Forget Her (Music Video)

Living and loving - Strike a balance

First of all, Fanny, if you read this, it doesn't mean I love you any less. I am so blessed to be with you, and I have no intention of changing anything we have. It is absolutely wonderful. You are absolutely wonderful -- so giving, though you may not have much to give. So loving, though you've been hurt before. You are an angel in the true sense of the word and I couldn't have made it through the last few months without you.

Now... to the point.

I'm very very sad. The events of the last year have devastated me. Not once, but twice I've hurt and been hurt in return.

Medeleine, I loved you with all of my heart. I honestly did. When I came back from the US, I needed you more than ever. Maybe that's my fault. But just that once, you could have been there. Not only were you not, but you were so cruelly inconsiderate that at the time I came closer to death than I had ever been in my life, even closer than the time when I nearly fell asleep and drove off of Pacific Coast Highway. Fortunately, Jeannie held me together, and as you suggested, I sought help. But the help I really needed was yours. Shame on you for not returning my belongings. You know you're a better person than that. Shame on you for lying for more than three years about being divorced. Shame on you for not telling me the truth about your past. And shame on you for giving up.

Jackie, I loved you more than I loved Medeleine. It's true. You probably don't believe me. But you were my angel.

I don't think you know that you are lovable. I think you hate yourself. And for that reason you don't allow yourself to be loved. You didn't believe I really loved you. You just thought I wanted to be with someone. It wasn't true. I wanted to be with you.

I cherished every happy moment we spent together, and there were many. I wanted to give you so much -- to show you how good of a person you were, and that you deserved love, and deserved to be given everything I could afford to give you.

No matter how poor I was, what I had I gave to you. When it looked like you were going to waste your expensive gym membership, I bought you an iPod to encourage you to go. When you asked me to buy you Oilatum for your skin, I never asked you to pay me back. Of course, I bought you things to wear to make you beautiful. I never liked the milk tea you drank, but I tried to make sure there was always plenty in the fridge for you, and I paid for it. Before I was with you, I had never massaged someone for an hour. I just wanted you to be happy in the knowledge that I loved you.

I know I had needs, and I'm very sorry if I was too demanding for those needs, especially time and attention. I tried, but because of what Medeleine did, I really could not be happy -- and I was reaching out desperately for the woman I had fallen madly in love with.

And now it's over, and "knowing me, knowing you", I agree that it's for the better. You are far too solitary a person to be with someone as demanding for attention as I. I know that. But I do feel sad. And I don't think you're really becoming a better person. Your heart is closed tighter than it ever was.

As you said yourself, mostly you just don't care.

I know you love Mr. Sin. But you have to approach that love from a practical perspective. Is loving him going to improve your life? Is it going to improve his? Is it going to harm the others who love you?

And you need to know that it's possible to love him, and still be true to yourself. To be kind to others and considerate of their feelings.

You may think it noble to sacrifice everything for him. It is not, when that sacrifice changes who you are, and when it hurts those who love you.

I know you will think (though too stubborn to break your silence and respond) that I'm WRONG about this and I don't understand. I agree, what I'm saying is just a theory. But when you don't open up honestly, to yourself, and to others, how can you ever expect anyone to "understand" you at all?

I know me saying all of this to you is probably going to make you hate me even more. But some of these things had to be said, and if there's the slightest chance that this can help start a healing process, where you can finally learn that "mostly not caring" is not good enough for someone who is clearly a good person, then it is worth the risk.

Please take care.

As for me, I'm still struggling with some things, like motivation, but with Fanny's support, and with support from my other friends (especially Charmaine), I've finally gotten my life together. Earning more money than ever, taking care of my responsibilities (like signing my divorce papers, getting life insurance for my daughter), spending time with Jeannie, working two jobs and still having time to spend with my sweet, sweet girlfriend, my future looks very bright. I can't wait until my trip to Phuket with Fanny! I can't wait for Christmas, my favorite time of the year (not to mention my year-end bonus!).

I just wish those I loved find not that their dreams come true, but that they can achieve something far better than their dreams.

Soulmates

My friend Daniel just said something I had to post here...

"I believe that soulmates make us better people... and not worse."

What is a soul mate? Who is our soul mate? And to qualify the quote, what is the meaning of "better person"?

To me, "better person" means better heart. More patient, more generous, less selfish...

Some people might think otherwise.

But if you have a soul mate, does he/she make you a better person, do you think? In what way? I don't think "more selfish" is better... I don't think "more wealthy" is better, although money is a cursed necessity.

I think more loving is better.
I think more giving is better.

No one who doesn't make me more loving and more giving, less selfish, less materialistic, less compassionate for other peoples' problems can ever be my soul mate.

GGG test on OKCupid

Superfreak
You scored 77% GGGness!

You're not GGG, you're pure unadulterated kinkness! There might be one or two things you wouldn't do, but only because they don't fit your own kinks. Here's hoping you find a truly GGG person or a fellow kinkmeister to help you out!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 80% on kinkitude

Link: The How GGG Are You? Test written by trixr on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Being liked for who you are...

What a wonderful thing, to be with someone who really cares.
Someone who's not there because they want something from you.
Someone who's not there because just they're horny (though they may be).
Someone who's not there because just they're lonely (though they may be that too).
Someone who likes you especially for who you are, and not because they just want anyone.
Someone who likes you ENOUGH for who you are... to give, unconditionally.
Someone who likes you enough for who you are... to love, unconditionally.
Someone who makes love to you from the heart, not from the genitals.
Someone who knows they can count on you, and who allows you to count on them.

If someone does not want to spend much time with you, they don't like you enough to be the one you want to spend time with.
If someone does not want to say they love you, they don't love you enough to be the one you love.
If someone does not want to make love to you, they don't deserve to be the one you want to make love to.

You deserve better than that.
You deserve parity.
You deserve appreciation.
You deserve generosity.
You deserve thanks.
You deserve respect.
You deserve love.
You deserve intimacy.
You deserve sincerity.

If you don't think you deserve that, then improve yourself. Not how much money you make or how you manage things. Improve your heart.

When you improve your heart, someone with goodness in their own heart will give you all of the above. And when they do, for God's sake recognize it, cherish it, and don't squander it.

I hope you can find someone, once again, who loves you in all of the ways above. And I hope this time you have enough clarity to want to keep them.

It's better than waiting for a remote dream, a dream that might never come. Don't waste your life loving someone who cannot love you as the life partner you want them to be. Move on and become an adult.

The smell of success

There are so many great things about returning to the printing industry, particularly the company I work for. There's the thrill of working in an industry I love. There are the beautiful, beautiful books. There's the satisfaction of working with intelligent, sophisticated clients overseas. Then there's the smell.

That wonderful aroma of the presses, the ink, the paper. I don't know why, but that pungent chemical aroma satisfies my olfactory desires in a way no other aroma can. Is it because it brings back the memory of one of the jobs I loved the most? Is there some chemical in the aroma that releases a certain hormone like endorphin? Does anyone else feel the same way about this smell?

My favorite smells, beside the expected food and flowers, are the ocean, the rain, the smell of sagebrush growing in the mountains, the smell of chow dou fu in Mongkok, and the smell of the press. Maybe they should make a printing press scented room freshener. Then my world would be complete.

A peek into my mind...

##### says:
how's work today

Bentonton says:
Fine. I haven't been very productive, but I'm not really getting behind either. I'm just taking my time getting back in to the swing of things... refamiliarizing myself with the workflow, etc.

Bentonton says:
But I have a lot of free time to waste if I don't concentrate...

Bentonton says:
So it's a danger situation.

##### says:
yes that's true

Bentonton says:
Basically I should be studying.

##### says:
in same position

##### says:
haha

Bentonton says:
And organizing my work... creating organization tools like excel worksheets for job status and to do list, etc.

##### says:
man u're organized

##### says:
puts me to shame

Bentonton says:
Back. Got a call from a client! Excitement!

##### says:
awesome!

Bentonton says:
If I get disorganized I self destruct because I don't do anything at all.

##### says:
yea true

Bentonton says:
That's the danger.

##### says:
same la

##### says:
but at least u've got it all sussed

Bentonton says:
That's happened to me many times in the past. So not only do I need to get organized, but I have to maintain it perfectly and NEVER get behind.

Bentonton says:
Because when I fall behind I procrastinate more and more.

##### says:
yea same

Bentonton says:
One difficult thing about my job now is that I have to work at 2 offices in different buildings.

Bentonton says:
I just promised the client who just called a quote, but the materials for that quote are in the other office, which I just returned from 10 minutes ago.

Bentonton says:
So the risk is that I'll procrastinate on that because I don't want to go back to the other office.

Bentonton says:
So I really have to discipline myself.

##### says:
oh yea that's true

##### says:
that's a pain!

Bentonton says:
Anyway, I'm going up to the canteen for lunch now. Great canteen here in the ##### building.

##### says:
is it ##### #####?

##### says:
wha

Bentonton says:
Signed my contract today so I'll show it to my landlord and explain why I'm behind on the rent and when I'll be completely caught up.

Bentonton says:
Yeah, it's ##### ##### building.

Bentonton says:
My company is owned by #### #####.

Bentonton says:
I also had a class to observe this morning, so I've had a taste of what it's going to be like when I start my teaching.

Bentonton says:
It'll be a pain when the class is not near my office.

Bentonton says:
A lot of traveling.

##### says:
yea that's true, but also a challenge

##### says:
that's cool

##### says:
!

##### says:
u're lucky!

Bentonton says:
Not sure if I'll go to the office super early, go to teach, then go back, or if I'll go to the office after my class, and work super late.

##### says:
wha

##### says:
do u have flexi hours

##### says:
and would u teach everyday?

Bentonton says:
I do have flexible hours, but it'll be better if I set a stable schedule.

Bentonton says:
Starting Oct. 1 I'll be teaching nearly every day.

Bentonton says:
That's how I'll be earning 30k.

Bentonton says:
But I only plan on doing this for 3 months now.

Bentonton says:
Because I want to focus on this job... very good prospects.

Bentonton says:
And I love the industry, and I love our product, and #### ##### is great to work for.

##### says:
wha

##### says:
lucky!

##### says:
i actually wish i was in your position

Bentonton says:
Just too far away lah!

##### says:
cause although ### is cool

##### says:
thing is .... there's no colleagues around still

##### says:
stIll

Bentonton says:
You must be desparate for your husband's affection when you get home... lucky guy.

##### says:
haha

##### says:
chur

Bentonton says:
I'm lucky too because Fanny really appreciates me.

Bentonton says:
Finally, someone who does.

##### says:
hehe

##### says:
see

##### says:
things do turn for the better la

Bentonton says:
In other news... I saw XOX on Monday at the meeting and it turned into a disaster.

##### says:
oh no

##### says:
how come

Bentonton says:
I asked for my phone back, and she ran away, and I ended up making an ass out of myself in front of ######### #####-#####.

Bentonton says:
I can't believe how she can be so unethical about the things she didn't return to me.

##### says:
oh shit

Bentonton says:
And I was surprised that after one year, she still is intent on refusing to deal with anything.

##### says:
what did u do

##### says:
u asked in front of her?

##### says:
i mean

##### says:
in front of ####?

Bentonton says:
I asked XOX in the lift lobby and she ran into the office.

Bentonton says:
And I followed her and asked again.

Bentonton says:
And started losing it.

##### says:
it was your phone?

##### says:
like or u gave it to her?

##### says:
as a gift?

Bentonton says:
Yes, my old phone.

##### says:
ah

##### says:
but if its a gift

Bentonton says:
No, it was the phone I owned before I even met XOX.

##### says:
she may have chucked it

Bentonton says:
But I recently lost my other phone, and the old one had my numbers on it.

Bentonton says:
If she threw it away, she should say so, and explain why.

##### says:
so she borrowed it?

Bentonton says:
No, it was one of the many many things she just never returned.

##### says:
oh man

##### says:
sux

Bentonton says:
Like my wallet, important documents, my backup hard drive with 10 years of important data...

Bentonton says:
And she refuses to even acknowledge any of it.

##### says:
sheesh

Bentonton says:
And none of my friends, even though they witnessed what happened, had the balls to confront her about it.

##### says:
well, just pretend its total loss

##### says:
and forget about it

##### says:
she's never going to acknowledge it happened

##### says:
and she won't admit it

Bentonton says:
It's easy to let go of the monetary stuff, but the other stuff, like my lost contacts and documents, and my 10 year-old emails, are hard to lose.

##### says:
yea true

Bentonton says:
And it's so hard to accept that someone I put so much love into and gave so much of my life to is capable of this.

##### says:
dude....u have to forget

##### says:
and move on

##### says:
live your life for now

##### says:
not for the past

Bentonton says:
I'm not the first person she did this to. I was so stupid to be with her.

##### says:
nooo

##### says:
u were meant to be with her

##### says:
so u could appreciate fanny now

Bentonton says:
I always accepted her "disownment" of her own parents, even though her own sister told me she was lying.

##### says:
silly

Bentonton says:
I always felt sorry for her because of the exes she claimed hurt her and stole from her.

Bentonton says:
But I really think it must have been lies or half-truths.

##### says:
well

##### says:
sometimes, its to get pity from the guy

##### says:
just remember

##### says:
as long as u're enjoying yourself now

##### says:
don't look back

##### says:
ok?

Bentonton says:
But I'll be reminded of this injustice all my life. You can't just forget. And besides the cherished memories, there are constantly things that remind you.

##### says:
that's true

##### says:
but make an effort!

Bentonton says:
Like when I lost my phone and though of my old phone as a source for my contacts.

Bentonton says:
Or when I apply for permanent residency and don't have my documents.

Bentonton says:
Or when I see a cherished photo of the happy times we shared together.

Bentonton says:
How can I make her see what she's done?

Bentonton says:
And get an honest answer to why she did it?

Bentonton says:
I just can't stand the injustice and the lack of heart.

##### says:
yea i don't get why she won't give u back your stuff

##### says:
doesn't make sense

Bentonton says:
She just didn't want to make the effort, that's all.

Bentonton says:
And I'm afraid she's just going to keep hurting people like this.

Bentonton says:
And I fear for her safety, because maybe one of those people will be less restrained about it than I have been.

##### says:
don't be afraid of what doesn't concern u anymore

##### says:
why waste your energy

Bentonton says:
It haunts me.

Bentonton says:
From time to time.

Bentonton says:
And hurts a lot.

##### says:
dont' let it

##### says:
it'll consume u8

Bentonton says:
Bye now.

Bentonton says:
I'm going to eat.

Forgive and forget... and clear our conscience.

Yes, I was very upset. I was so upset I may have done some things I regret. I still am angry, to a certain extent, but if I wasn't willing to let the past be the past and try the friendship thing all over again, I never would have been that close with you in the first place. I know I've done things that have wronged you. And I hope you can get past that as well, so that we can let this bitterness out of our hearts and just be mature, caring adults once again. Life is too short to carry grudges. And friendship is a precious thing not to be wasted.

Work... Luck... Karma... ???

Sometimes I just get lucky. Yeah, sometimes I get unlucky too, especially in love, but it seems I get lucky in work a lot.

Was looking for a job and then I found a job (and heaven knows I'm NOT miserable now!), then another job, even better, found me!

Here's what happened... Asking around, and interviewing, I found a pretty good job as a teacher (what I thought I would have to settle on doing) and had just agreed to sign a contract that could easily pay my rent, when an ex-boss at a company I really liked working for, at a position with perhaps the best CAREER prospect, called me out of the blue, after 6 years, and asked me to return.

It's not often you get a second chance. What a rush.

So now, I'm here, sitting in the same place I was sitting six and seven years ago, earning 25% more, and approaching life with more maturity and capability than ever. This time I hope it lasts. Lord knows I'm going to do my best to make sure it does. I need this. Not just the income, but the satisfaction, and the hope for the future, and the respect I hope I can earn from others who might have doubted me in the past (because they honestly didn't know me).

To all those who struggle with life as I do... just be nice to people and sometimes they'll remember you, and sometimes that'll happen when the timing couldn't be better. KARMA, people! Earn it. Be honest, open, considerate, and sincere. And give people respect, cherish friendship and love, forgive and forget conflict, because what goes around comes around.

When you treat someone unfairly, you can only expect to be treated the same. When you treat someone with kindness, the people who are important in life will treat you with kindness, and the others just don't matter.