Living and loving - Strike a balance

First of all, Fanny, if you read this, it doesn't mean I love you any less. I am so blessed to be with you, and I have no intention of changing anything we have. It is absolutely wonderful. You are absolutely wonderful -- so giving, though you may not have much to give. So loving, though you've been hurt before. You are an angel in the true sense of the word and I couldn't have made it through the last few months without you.

Now... to the point.

I'm very very sad. The events of the last year have devastated me. Not once, but twice I've hurt and been hurt in return.

Medeleine, I loved you with all of my heart. I honestly did. When I came back from the US, I needed you more than ever. Maybe that's my fault. But just that once, you could have been there. Not only were you not, but you were so cruelly inconsiderate that at the time I came closer to death than I had ever been in my life, even closer than the time when I nearly fell asleep and drove off of Pacific Coast Highway. Fortunately, Jeannie held me together, and as you suggested, I sought help. But the help I really needed was yours. Shame on you for not returning my belongings. You know you're a better person than that. Shame on you for lying for more than three years about being divorced. Shame on you for not telling me the truth about your past. And shame on you for giving up.

Jackie, I loved you more than I loved Medeleine. It's true. You probably don't believe me. But you were my angel.

I don't think you know that you are lovable. I think you hate yourself. And for that reason you don't allow yourself to be loved. You didn't believe I really loved you. You just thought I wanted to be with someone. It wasn't true. I wanted to be with you.

I cherished every happy moment we spent together, and there were many. I wanted to give you so much -- to show you how good of a person you were, and that you deserved love, and deserved to be given everything I could afford to give you.

No matter how poor I was, what I had I gave to you. When it looked like you were going to waste your expensive gym membership, I bought you an iPod to encourage you to go. When you asked me to buy you Oilatum for your skin, I never asked you to pay me back. Of course, I bought you things to wear to make you beautiful. I never liked the milk tea you drank, but I tried to make sure there was always plenty in the fridge for you, and I paid for it. Before I was with you, I had never massaged someone for an hour. I just wanted you to be happy in the knowledge that I loved you.

I know I had needs, and I'm very sorry if I was too demanding for those needs, especially time and attention. I tried, but because of what Medeleine did, I really could not be happy -- and I was reaching out desperately for the woman I had fallen madly in love with.

And now it's over, and "knowing me, knowing you", I agree that it's for the better. You are far too solitary a person to be with someone as demanding for attention as I. I know that. But I do feel sad. And I don't think you're really becoming a better person. Your heart is closed tighter than it ever was.

As you said yourself, mostly you just don't care.

I know you love Mr. Sin. But you have to approach that love from a practical perspective. Is loving him going to improve your life? Is it going to improve his? Is it going to harm the others who love you?

And you need to know that it's possible to love him, and still be true to yourself. To be kind to others and considerate of their feelings.

You may think it noble to sacrifice everything for him. It is not, when that sacrifice changes who you are, and when it hurts those who love you.

I know you will think (though too stubborn to break your silence and respond) that I'm WRONG about this and I don't understand. I agree, what I'm saying is just a theory. But when you don't open up honestly, to yourself, and to others, how can you ever expect anyone to "understand" you at all?

I know me saying all of this to you is probably going to make you hate me even more. But some of these things had to be said, and if there's the slightest chance that this can help start a healing process, where you can finally learn that "mostly not caring" is not good enough for someone who is clearly a good person, then it is worth the risk.

Please take care.

As for me, I'm still struggling with some things, like motivation, but with Fanny's support, and with support from my other friends (especially Charmaine), I've finally gotten my life together. Earning more money than ever, taking care of my responsibilities (like signing my divorce papers, getting life insurance for my daughter), spending time with Jeannie, working two jobs and still having time to spend with my sweet, sweet girlfriend, my future looks very bright. I can't wait until my trip to Phuket with Fanny! I can't wait for Christmas, my favorite time of the year (not to mention my year-end bonus!).

I just wish those I loved find not that their dreams come true, but that they can achieve something far better than their dreams.