Comic-con, Day 1

It's so nice being back in San Diego after two years. Gorgeous weather, gorgeous environment, beautiful accommodations, it's just too bad this visit is only a week.

Fanny loves it here too. It's got me to thinking... possibly... after Jeannie moves here when she finishes primary school... it might finally be time to leave Hong Kong...!!!????

Wouldn't be to bad, as long as I could find work. Fanny and I could get married and settle down... who knows?

Comic-con is pretty fun, though I'm nowhere near a comic book geek.

Plenty of cuties in costumes, and lots of things to look at and play with.

Although I'm not a comic book fan, I unfortunately ran into a few money-draining things...

First, I love the PowerPuff Girls. One of the artists who draws the PPG comics had a booth, and I bought one of his boards, and the comic that went with it. Then, out of sheer coincidence, I ran into the creator of the series! So the comic got signed by the artist and the creator, and I have the original artwork for one of the pages as well.

Second... I gasped aloud when I saw some Clive Barker Abarat prints for sale. This was my big splurge, and now I've got a gorgeous signed piece of artwork from one of my favorite people on the planet to put up on the middle of my living room wall. I'll post a photo when it's up.

Fanny joins me at the fair tomorrow, and Jeannie's not invitied. Her head would explode when she saw all the things she could play with, and we'd spend at least an hour per booth, as she'd have to study and play with every single item she saw.

Now of course, I'm not attending the convention for fun or for buying things... I'm supposed to get some business! That's going pretty well so far. Still got a lot of work to do, but I've got a good feeling we'll get some solid orders.

Until then, I'll enjoy the sun and the environment of the most beautiful city in America. We visit the world famous San Diego Zoo on Saturday and Sea World on Sunday, then we have two days in Disneyland before we fly back on Tuesday night.

Know anyone who is *NOT* interested in sex?

They may be a "Cerebral Narcissist".

When browsing the victims of NPD support group site, I frequently came across the terms "somatic narcissist" and "cerebral narcissist". I found something interesting:

From

Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity - The Somatic and the Cerebral Narcissist

by Dr. Sam Vaknin, the most outspoken expert on NPD:

"This kind of narcissist is afraid of encounters with the opposite sex and is even more afraid of emotional involvement or commitment that he fancies himself prone to develop following a sexual encounter. In general, such a narcissist withdraws not only sexually – but also emotionally..."

And continues...

"He becomes completely immersed in "big projects", lifelong plans, a vision, or a cause – all very rewarding narcissistically and all very demanding and time consuming..."

"The cerebral narcissist does not enjoy sex and by far prefers masturbation or 'objective', emotionless sex, like going to prostitutes..."

"Thus frustrated, the narcissist minimises all manner of intercourse with his close circle (spouse, children, parents, siblings, very intimate friends): sexual, verbal, or emotional. He limits himself to the rawest exchanges of information and isolates himself socially..."

"His reclusion insures against a future hurt and avoids the intimacy that he so dreads..."

"Sex, he says to himself, contentedly, is for those who can do no better..."

Wow... this sounds eerily familiar.

Knowing how uncontrollably attached I was to Medeleine dispite her abusiveness, I understand how someone can love a narcissist without good reason to do so.

Perhaps I'm not alone in my NPD victimhood.

It would explain a lot.

Oh, and Dr. Vaknin also links NPD and Pedophilia. I'd still like to see the contents of the "weird guy's"* hard drive.

* That's everbody who's ever known him's description of him. One person even said he was the "weirdest person they'd ever met in their life".

To all the girls I've loved before...

Ai Yun, Su, Cathine, Medeleine, Jackie and Fanny, thank you.

Six doesn't seem so many. there were other people in-between who have also meant quite a lot, and I could honestly say I have loved them as well, but these six were clearly the most important in my life... my "true loves".

Ai Yun, thank you for showing me the cheer and optimism that I would forever be in search of in a mate. Every woman I meet I end up comparing to you, as in most ways, you are still an ideal for me. Thank you for showing how to love freely. The most enduring thing you have left me is the memory of your innocent, honest, genuine smile.

Su, thank you for teaching me that all that glitters is not gold, and that I should be a little more protective of my heart. Thanks also for giving me the confidence that I could meet a breathtakingly beautiful, intelligent, successful woman such as yourself, but to realize that even if I meet her, she might not be the right one for me. The most enduring thing you've left me is an adoration of Christmas time as the most romantic time of year, and the romance of torrential rain beating down on the windows while a perfect connection is made, if only for a brief moment.

Cathine, thank you for diving headlong into life with me. In the end, our priorities may not have matched, but you showed me an important part of what it means to be an adult. I still look to you as an example of responsibility, and I hope I can adapt at least part of myself to be more like you in my professional life. I've still got a long way to go. The most enduring thing you've left me is a wonderful mother for my precious little girl; a perfect balance of yang for my yin in her life.

Medeleine, so far I can honestly say you had the most influence on me. So much bliss, yet so much heartbreak. You've changed my perception of the world in so many ways. I've seen one of the darkest sides of the world through your eyes. I've also felt more connected to you than anyone else in my life. I could feel your suffering, and I wanted so much to help you deal with it. But now I know I never had that power. No one has that power except you. I'm sorry you've had to suffer so much, and I hope you can learn that life is not always defined by the things you hate, but that it can be defined by the things that you love. You've given me a lot culturally as well. Helping me to develop the activism in me. You shared music (Elbow, Faithless) and entertainment (Buffy) that have been wonderful additions to my life as well. I can't really say what endures from you. There are so many. Unfortunately, there was also never any closure. Perhaps with closure, I would be able to say what you left me with that was most important.

Jackie, like Su, you also showed me that there are some people whose heart may not be as enduring as mine, and that's lamentable. I still don't understand you at all... I'm aware that you're not NPD like Medeleine, yet you seem to have no ability to empathize... so I'm still so confused about you. I really don't know what you want out of life, and I don't think you do, either, except for "him". You seemed to want security, but then you don't. You seemed to want to do something you could be proud of (activism), but then you quit. You seemed to want to love, but then you run away from it. Sometimes you don't seem to have any personal identity. Like your entire self has been defined by what you think are someone else's expectations of you. You are unable to be yourself, which is a sweet, childlike, innocent, honest yet incredibly intelligent woman. One of the things you are missing out on is the fact that there is room in your heart for more than one person. And like Medeleine there was also no closure between us. That's why I keep blogging about you. It's my therapy for dealing with a pain that I feel on a daily basis. That pain is rooted in the loss of what I honestly believed was an incomparable friendship. There was a conenction with you long before we ever were involved romantically that transcends how I feel for my other friends.

I understand your need to break up the romantic relationship. But there's no reason ever to break up such a meaningful friendship. I also hope you can repair your friendhsip with Charmaine. She too deserves better from someone she considered a lifelong friend. Honestly, she and I both do. We've given you so much of our hearts that your other less "troublesome" (yet) friends have not. Can't you just give the slightest bit back? Anyway, I'm always here for you if you ever need me in any way. The minute you say "hello" to me, I will only look to the future, and the past will be settled. Please. Just say "hello" and we can start the friendship over. I honestly don't want or need anything else from you. I hope you can care about that sentiment, even if just a little.

The most enduring thing you've left me, unfortunately, is all this uncertainty, and an even greater fear of abandonment than I'd had before.

Fanny... our lives have just begun. Finally I've met someone I can trust forever. I'm certain you'll be the last of my true loves. Thank you.

To close, a quote from the band Elbow, which Medleleine introduced me to (thanks again, Med)...

We still believe in love, so fuck you.

Not taking any chances this time... LOL

The last time I flew to the States, two years ago, I left a girlfriend that I loved behind. when I came back I found my life was soon to be devastated by her cruelty. Recovering from that was the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. I was nearly destroyed.

There was someone who helped me out for a while, but only for as long as she felt that she had something to gain from me. As soon as she felt threatened by the prospect of commitment, she ran away and hurt me as well. In order to justify her own cruelty to me, she blamed me for it, as if I were the one whose feelings and actions had changed in a hurtful, selfish way (I guess she might have thought it was selfish for me to love her -- how DARE I!).

Gradually, despite this second trauma, I picked myself up yet again. I refuse to hate women for what they have done to me. I am not so weak that I would become "jaded" by a woman who threw away three years of love because she found a new whim, or by another who one week claimed to love me more than anyone she had ever been with, only to turn around the next week and run away the minute my feelings for her were anything but detached.

Now, because of my strength, and my resilience, my life is better than ever, financially and romantically.

And I'm going back to relive that summer for a few days. Only this time I'm sharing this journey with my love.

It's not that Fanny would be selfish or cruel enough to behave as badly as those in my past; quite the contrary. She would miss me endlessly. We haven't sent a single night apart in the last year. The last night I spent away from her was my birthday night when Charmaine was there for me while Jackie twisted the knife she had in my back (she will never ever understand how cruel she was that night).

No, it's not that I'm afraid Fanny will forget about me or forsake me in that week I'd be in the States. It's just that this time I want to share my experience with the one who means the world to me, and I have the means to do so.

I would have liked to have such an experience with Jackie, as I did love her, and I would definitely have done so, had she stood by my side. But her fear of commitment meant that it would never happen.

I shared plenty of trips with Medeleine, but there was always the problem that she had to loan me the money for my ticket, and she resented me for that very very much.

That I'm buying Fanny's ticket makes this trip so much more special. I know my parents will love her as much as Jeannie does. My best friend Charmaine loves her and thinks she's perfect for me and Jeannie's mom seems to like her as well. It's impossible not to love someone so selfless and kind, yet so intelligent.

I can't wait to visit the Zoo, Disneyland in Anaheim, and share nice times with my family, and hopefully make it to the beautiful California beaches as well.

There are so many advantages to being in a strong, commited relationship with one person. Advantages that cannot even begin to be matched in singlehood.

I am blessed to have that chance once again. I wish everyone could realize how wonderful such a feeling is, and not be threatened by the worthwhile trade of a little freedom for a hell of a lot of security and mostly, love.

Psychopath Trivial Pursuit If you answer this question correctly, could you be a psychopath? * * * * This is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, just the dream guy she was searching for so she fell in love with him immediately. However, she never asked for his name or number and afterward could not find anyone who knew who he was. A few days later the girl killed her own sister. Question: Why did she kill her sister? STOP    Allow time to analyze and answer this question first.       Then, check below for the answer. 6 6 6 6 6 6 Answer: She reasoned that if the guy appeared at her mother's funeral, then he might re-appear at her sister's funeral. If you answered this correctly, does this mean you think like a psychopath? There are many myths regarding the origin and use of this test -- the truth was it was an old parlour game and now evolved into something that might be worth a laugh among friends. It hold no credibility for diagnosing psychopaths. Or, does it?   Author unknown

Graphics by GRSites

Some notes on the Nikon D40

I said in an earlier blog entry that someone buyin g a DSLR for the first time should avoid the Nikon D40. There are still a lot of uninformed people who don't really understand the reason why this camera body (and the new, higher resolution D40x) should be avoided.

There's really a simple reason.

With the Nikon D40, you cannot use autofocus with a common, inexpensive, fantastic quality 50mm prime lens. It's impossible. The camera deosn't support it.

From DPR's review of the D40:

Auto Focus only for AF-S or AF-I lenses Perhaps the biggest negative on the D40 is that it doesn't have an internal focus drive motor and hence no mechanical focus drive pin, instead it only has CPU contacts which means it can only Auto Focus with AF-S and AF-I lenses (those with built-in focus motors). Indeed our 'standard' lens the Nikkor 50 mm F1.8D (and the F1.4D) are manual focus only on the D40. The images below show the difference between the mount on the D40 and D80, the D80 has a mechanical focus drive pin at about the 7 o'clock position.

Many people new to photography don't know the importance of the lens to image quality, as well as the advantages of a fast (aperture value of less than 2.0) lens, both in terms of low-light shooting and depth of field.

Because of the way 35mm photography works, the general rule is that the faster the lens, the larger the lens elements and the larger the components of the diaphragm. This means higher cost.

But also, because of the way 35mm photography works, the cheapest focal length to manufacture at high quality is 50mm. This is why a fast 50mm lens that produces absolutely pro-quality images, is extremely affordable.

This is why anyone new to photography should run out and buy their manufacturer's 50mm/1.8 or 50mm/1.7 lens, as their first addition to their lens lineup. If they want to spend a little more, they should go for the faster 50mm/1.4.

Unfortunately for D40 users, Nikon's 50mm/1.8 and 50mm/1.4 lenses do not have an internal drive motor. That means that these lenses only work in manual focus on the D40/D40x.

That should be a deal breaker for anyone serious about photography. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't do their homework and make the wrong choice, simply because someone who is not familiar with either photography or with this issue recommends Nikon to them, and they simply go out and buy the cheapest Nikon.

In addition to this, the D40 doesn't even have exposure bracketing! This, too, is a crucial feature for anyone serious about photography.

For the same price as the D40, a D40 buyer should have gotten a Sony Alpha or Pentax K100D, both of which have the following advantages over the Nikon and the Canon:

* In-body Image Stabilization (VERY USEFUL!)
* CCD dust removal system
* Improved lens quality for entry level and included kit lenses
* Exposure bracketing (Canon has it but the Nikon D40 doesn't)
* Autofocus drive motor (Canon has it but the Nikon D40 doesn't)

Hope it's not too late for you.

My Life

Things that are very hot or heating up...

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Wicked Weasel

Fanny and I are official WW uberfans (that's her as published on the WW site). She's proud to wear these tiny things, and I'm eager to ogle them and photograph them on her unbelievable curves (definitely beats having a bony girlfriend). We still haven't spent our AUS$200 prize on the next additions to our expanding collection. I'm waiting for the July update, and hopefully the things will be delivered before we go to the States. So far my favorite pieces by far are the 511 Eyelet Mesh Flip Skirt (shown), the 463 Eyelet Mesh Bikini and the 449 Satin Sheer Bikini (shown).

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The mile-high club

Well, it's been a nagging thing for a long time. I don't know what the fuss is, but I'd like to try it just to say I did. But hopefully between Manila and LA, Fanny and I will add another form of transport to our naughty experiences. The seat would be preferable, for the excitement and bragging factor, but as the plane will probably be full, that's not very likely. Looks like cramped toilet, which is the usual MO for high flyers. Of course we'll definitely be playing under the blankets in less obvious ways even if we can't go all the way. Of course, judging by the number of purported pilots on AFF chasing my girlfriend, the "club" is most likely not a very exclusive one. Ah, but how many of them have done it on a bus? You can read all about the bus on my AFF blog.

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Miss Sixty

I found it finally!!! The perfect skirt, the one I've been in love with since I first saw it on the Miss Sixty racks about 3 or 4 years ago. I found it on German Ebay after an arduous search for months, and even had to transfer funds via the bank since the seller didn't have paypal. I normally wouldn't bother to do all that, but in this case, it was worth it. Fanny wore the skirt to LKF yesterday, and it was incredible. Her legs looked ten feet long with her sky-high wedges. It's a nice feeling when you're impressed by your own girlfriend.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel

It's been a blast watching these again. The best series ever on television. Better than Six Feet Under. Better than Nip|Tuck. Teen angst, demons, sex, kung fu, and serious sociological issues like dealing with the death of a family member, homosexuality, loneliness, cheating lovers... it's all there, and it's so well written it makes you want to watch the combined 262 total episodes in a single sitting. Oh, and then there's Firefly...

(To Be Continued)