Music and Lyrics

This Sunday was the first time I've seen two films in the cinema in a single afternoon in as long as I can remember. But it's been a long few weeks, and this short vegitative break was an excellent respite from the daily drudge.

First was Night at the Museum. Ben Stiller plays a divorced dad who has trouble holding down a good job (sounds familiar?). He's a good guy who wants to do good for his kid, but just hasn't had very many breaks and feel pretty down on himself (sounds familiar?).

Well, the rest of the movie is just silly fun, led by an all-star cast of character actors and lots of digital effects.

Of course, in the end, Ben proves himself a good guy, gets the kid's respect, a lovely new girl, and reintroduces the joys of the museum to the public.

Then we decided to catch another film, as we really didn't have much else to do, and we both were still feeling exhausted. Plus, as soon as I saw the hilarious preview "music video" for Music and Lyrics, I HAD to see that movie. Being an 80's guy, I still smile fondly in reminiscence of the 80's electropop scene, and I'm sure this won't be the last film about the era. "Has-Been" Alex Fletcher's (Hugh Grant) fictitious ex-band "Pop" mixes elements of Wham, Spandau Ballet, Duran Duran and Flock of Seagulls into a believable creation. I'm not a huge fan of Drew Barrymore, but... oh, well.

Actually, are there any actresses I'm particularly fond of these days? And -- I wonder how many of the Hong Kong people seing the film actually believed this band was real. I can imagine someone going up to the counter at HMV and asking the clerk, "Do you have POP?" LOL...

Anyway, the film reminded me so much of the days when I was in college in Fulelrton, and those weekends I would drive up to my best friend Floyd's dorm room in Claremont's Harvey Mudd College and we'd have lots of fun adding notes to the sequencer on his old Mac, and attempting to sing into the microphone and make something that we envisioned would vaguely sound like Depeche Mode. It was great fun, but I never had the drive to take it further than the handful of songs we wrote over the space of about a half year.

There were a few songs I was particularly proud of, especially one I wrote called "Lack of Understanding" that had counter-sung lyrics from the two sides of a relationship. Other songs were bits and pieces in various states of completion, though I really can't remember any of them, and I doubt I still have a tape hanging around (I'll have to ask Floyd if he still has anything).

One other song I was proud of was called "A Dream" that I wrote for my college sweetheart, Ai Yun.

As I said, seeing this film makes me reminisce about those days, and has given me an inkling of inspiration to pick up some tools for my Mac and start getting something new into the sequencer. MyMacBook is a good enough machine to get the job done. I've already got Garage Band, and I'm not sure how easy that is as a writing tool. And I'll have to pick up a MIDI keyboard, but as budget next month is tight (bad timing, Medeleine), I might have to put that on hold for a while.

And with all of the other stuff I've been concentrating on, like photography, and my two jobs, I doubt this thought will really get much momentum any time soon. Still... maybe, just maybe, I'll have a song one of these days. And maybe I can ask Ron to help me record and perform the live bits.

Life is good.

Black Holes and Revelations

2007 Best British Live Act - Brit Awards
2006 Best Live Act - Q awards
2006 Best Rock Artist - Digital Music Awards
2005 Best British Live Act - Brit Awards
2005 Best Live Band - NME Awards
2004 Best Live Act - Q Awards
2003 Q Innovation Award - Q Awards

On March 3, 2007, Muse will play LIVE at Hong Kong's new Asia World Expo. And guess who has tickets...

Now who's the lucky person holding the second ticket? Not sure yet!

Matt... I really wish it could be you. :( I miss you!

More on NPD

While I didn't suffer the physical abuse reported in this story, it made me cry, as I realised just how much I suffered emotionally, and that I am not alone.

"But I Still Love Her"

As I read more and more about NPD, I am shocked by how -- detail-by-detail -- this matches my experience with M.

Soon, she who could make me the happiest person could also make me feel like unlovable scum. So when I was hit, as she told me, I deserved it. If only I could not be so tired and stay awake all night with her and do the shopping, cleaning, DIY, cooking, and earn more and spend more time with her and drive her everywhere but not drive so badly, and tell her something interesting and listen to her more and be like her ex (who had left one day without saying bye after four months) and always be there for her and get out when she told me, she wouldn't get angry with me. Soon the eggshells were so scattered that it was difficult to walk anywhere.

Every detail, save the physical abuse, is consistent with my experience. Even down to the detail of the ex who left without a word.

This really makes me understand what happend much better... and I know now that I can blame neither myself -- nor her -- for what happened, but can only blame the illness.

In my experience, and according to what I've been reading, at the forefront the symptoms of NPD is a complete lack of empathy - the ability to understand or care about how others feel, or to be aware of or care about others' needs.

From what I read, there's nothing at all we can do to help those with NPD to develop what they seem to need most -- a conscience.

I used to think I could reason with them, and that only made things worse -- much worse. Now I just have to accept this disease the way I would accept someone with a physical handicap. And realize that they will never change. And when I'm drawn to another woman who suffers from this illness, as I'm sure I will be, while I can care to a certain extent, as I care about all people, I need to maintain complete detachment, and that means I can never allow myself to love them. Never again.

Sigh.

Photoshop fun...

Zeiss Photos

There's just something wonderful about using old manual lenses with a brand-new digital SLR. It's so much fun! While my 40+ year-old ausJena (Carl Zeiss) Pancolar 50/1.8 is not as sharp wide open as I had hoped, my 20-30 year-old CZJ Sonnar 135/3.5 MC is simply astounding!

Here's a link about old Zeiss lenses





Look at this shot to see what I mean:

At 800 pixels wide, it looks like a pretty sharp photo. But this is a 10MP image, and the original size is 3872 pixels wide! Most lenses simply aren't sharp enough to match that resolution, and at 100% magnification on screen, things will look pretty blurry.

But with this amazing 20-30 year-old Zeiss lens, this is what I get at 100%:






At that resolution, this photo still would look very sharp blown up to poster size.

To get this kind of sharpness with a new autofocus lens, I'd have to pay around HK$12000 for the Sony/Carl Zeiss 135/1.8!!! That's on top of the cost of the camera!

So how much did I pay for this kind of quality?

£46.

Simply amazing.

Here's the lens...

Switching back - FUCK iWeb

Apple's iWeb just doesn't cut it. This is just about the worst software I've ever come across. So I'm back to blogger.

Let's hope Apple completely redoes iWeb for Tiger. If not, FUCK iWeb.

Finally, I understand.

NPD

As a psychiatrist was once heard saying “Ns are the bread and butter of the therapeutic enterprise, not because they so often seek professional help—they are too impressed with themselves to ever think they have a problem—but because they drive so many people around them crazy.”

Well, I certainly know I am crazy now.
I just wish I had known about this while I was struggling to deal with M. And had I recognized that J's lack of empathy was incorrigible, I would have been able to let her go right away. Now I know that there are people in this world who are incapable of caring about other people's personal feelings, and that these people cannot be reasoned with.

Persons with a destructive narcissist pattern cannot see the behaviors and attitudes they exhibit as you and others perceive them. They are unaware of the impact on you, and are well defended against knowing. Further, your attempts to make them aware or get through to them will fail, and will be perceived as threats to their core essential self. This will bring out their defenses for protection. The defenses are likely to be hostile, aggressive, strong and immediately available to them, so that they are able to attack and mount a strong counteroffensive in a nanosecond. You generally do not win or make any headway, and can find yourself in a worse position than before.

So how do you win?

You don't. Let them go.

Now I'm the first to admit I've got a personality disorder too.

"Hi. My name is Ben and I have dependent personality disorder."

I think this combination between an NPD and a DPD must be pretty common, as DPDs would be drawn to NPDs for their "self-confidence" and NPDs enjoy the power they have over DPDs. And it must also lead to a lot of pain, as it did twice in my case.

While I'm trying to deal with my own problems, I find it so frustrating that those two people I loved so much (and still do) will forever refuse to deal with theirs.

Addiction!!!!

Whatever you do, if you're the type of person who gets addicted to their latest interest, as I do, don't get an eBay account.

In the space of two weeks, I've spent way more than I thought possible, on gifts for my girlfriend, and on camera supplies.

The thought of getting a great bargain on something wonderful is just too tempting. I don't want to log off! I want to scour all the international eBay sites to find that elusive Takumar lens or the Miss Sixty miniskirt, the Fuji camera to replace my one that broke, so I can still take underwater photos...

Then you get sidetracked. Looking for a Carl Zeiss lens, I found a site with old enamel collector's pins, and was seriously tempted... fortunately, my common sense beat back that temptation.

Looking for miniskirts I found some men's swimwear... and anyone who knows me well would know how I responded to that.

The folks on my camera forum (http://www.dyxum.com) have been talking about the great old lenses you can get for a manual focus mount that can be used on modern cameras, with amazing results. That was the final push for me to get an eBay account. Two weeks later, I've bought five lenses, along with a camera built in the 1960's and accessories.

I've bought skirts for my girlfriend, and have been looking for things like Marc Jacobs boots and other stuff.

I bought two (fake) Paul Smith wallets, one with great quality, and one with crap quality. I'm trying to return the crappy one for a refund.

Now top on my eBay search list is the "legendary" Minolta "Beercan" lens (70-210mm, f4.0), hoping to get it for around US$100. And still looking for a particular Miss Sixty skirt. And I can't stop logging in, checking, checking again, seeing something I wasn't looking for, remembering something else I want, bidding, watching, bidding again, and (most exciting at all) last second rush bidding for something I really want, right before it closes, hoping to get a great price.

So please, I beg you... if you like bargain shopping and find yourself easily addicted to new things, don't go to http://www.ebay.comor http://www.ebay.com.hk and set up an account. Don't click the links above. Resist.