Bliss.

I've been very very happy in my personal and leisure life lately. Work could potentially be very good, but I'm still struggling to be productive.

The teaching is great, simply because I'm forced to do it, I have no choice but stand in front of the little kids for 30 minutes or an hour at a time, and try to keep them entertained, keep them calm, and maybe help them pick up a little English and a little confidence.

But like I said, I love my personal life lately. While it does remind me a lot of my time with M., and also of the best of the best time with J. (on Lamma during the Santa Claus days when she told me daily how much more she loved me than the day before), there's none of that sickening abuse I suffered under M., and no sign of the heartbreaking neglect I suffered in the later days with Ms. J.

In fact, Fanny offers so much love and appreciation - and attention - it's been making me feel a sense of true contentment I haven't felt in nearly a decade. Just a few weeks ago I was still - even after four months together - doubting my ability to devote myself to her. But now, I know very clearly that I can truly love her the way I loved M and J, and I want nothing more than to spend as much time with her as possible. Something just clicked in these last few weeks. That's why I keep feeling compelled to write about it.

An aside: I know very few people read this blog, but really I don't care as I write for no one except myself, as a therapeutic avenue to express my feelings whenever they begin smothering me as they are wont to do. If someone cares to observe, my exhibitionist tendencies shout, "Venez! Voyez! Vivez!"

So I go through each day answering emails to my clients, inspiring three, four and five year-olds, reading Nabokov, listening to Placebo, knowing happily that at the end of the day there's someone at home waiting for me, ready to tell me how much she loves me and loving the way I tell her that I love her, sharing our lives, our kisses, and even our tears, together.

Then the weekend comes and it's sublime. I get to see the daughter I love, spend time with the woman I love, eat good food together, go shopping together, watch movies, play games, listen to music, sleep, with my arm around the woman I love, or with her arm around me, and then I know that the week's suffering two jobs and very little sleep was all worth it.

Every weekend makes every week worth it when I'm with Fanny. I wish everyone could have that feeling... that all their suffering through a job they perhaps hate, leads to something wonderful, and, if they deserve, someone wonderful.