Unbelievably busy...

I've done it before... but was I a fool to attempt the 2 job thing?

One thing's for certain, at the end of this month my finances will be looking pretty smooth, and at the end of November I'll be bloody rich.

And my desk job is the one I want to develop into my career.

The only thing that helps me get through it physically is to go home and hold Fanny as I fall asleep, and to spend Sunday with her. It seems like if she's there I sleep so much more solid, and 5 hours can suffice where normally I'd be exhausted. I feel sorry for those people who can't relax with someone. They really don't know what they're missing...

Maybe I don't love Fanny as much as I should... but she gives me one thing... security, and even if it doesn't work out between us, I'll always love her for that.

It was the same thing with Jackie. I needed that security from her. So sue me. Kill me, break up with me! What a crime... to want to hold the woman you love. Only problem was... she mistook the unhappiness I felt because I couldn't hold her (because she wasn't there)... for jealousy. She still so foolishly thinks I was jealous or suspicious. God, how little she knew me. The man she said so many times that she loved. The truth is, I wasn't jealous at all! I just wanted her to be there with me to sleep with, and to spend a completely reasonable amount of intimate time with. That's all.

I loved her, and when I couldn't hold her to sleep I felt so exhausted. That was the start of the end of our relationship. She didn't understand how much of an impact it had on me -- or she simply didn't respect that I was different than her and wanted to hold the woman I loved.

I now know that she simply has trouble understanding (and trusting) -- or caring about -- other people's feelings. Yet she demands that other people consider hers, without compromise...

And then when other people hurt her the same way she hurts them, after they're so frustrated with the way she's ignored their feelings... she blames them for it. I'm not the only one who has said so. I'm just the only one stupid enough to still have faith in her.

She always said "It doesn't matter what you do for me, I don't have to do anything for you in return". Some day she'll wake up and get the fact that she has to care about people's feelings, and sometimes (God forbid!) compromise, just to make someone feel better.

Life is about give and take. And Lord knows I give more than I can afford. With Fanny I'm finally getting some honest, selfless, caring in return.

But damn I spent too much money on her last weekend...