Living with/around others: Some basic ground rules.

I know I'm not a perfect person, and I always aspire to be better. I very freely admit to my faults, which are numerous.

But in the last four years of my life, I've been allowing myself to be taken advantage of in domestic situations. So I feel it's time to stop making promises without very clearly laying out the ground rules realted to practical living arrangements. I had previously thought these ground rules were common sense, so I didn't think it was necessary to say something so obvious. That was a mistake. Not everyone has the same level of common sense. So here I go...

First, there are two very basic principles I think everyone needs to try their best to follow. These are:

(A) Strive for a perfect balance in what each person contributes; and
(B) Live by the golden rule, at all times -- treat others the way you want to be treated!

Without these two principles, any arrangement is bound to be unequal, and therefore will never, never last.

Let's look at (A) first:
Strive for a perfect balance in what each person contributes

Before we can understand this, we need to define what "contribution" means. Here are some of the basic types of contributions in a domestic partnership:

1. Financial (money - compulsory)
2. Domestic chores (time - compulsory)
3. Tangible/quantifiable acts of kindness (generosity - optional)
4. Intangible acts of friendship/love (courtesy/compassion - optional)

To quantify and balance (1) and (2) is a simple task. After all, money is easily counted, and bills can be weighed against one-another. Chores can be shared equally without much difficulty. Either one taks balances another, or the same task is performed on an alternating basis.

When (1) and (2) are balanced fairly, there is no need to calculate (3) and (4) into the equation, because those acts are perfectly voluntary, and are done out of kindness, not obligation. Therefore, the easiest situation to handle, and the one that's most obviously fair, is when each person pays exactly half of everything and does exactly half of the chores. That's equivalent contribution.

Ther problem arises when (1) and/or (2) are not equivalent, i.e. when one person doesn't contribute as much financially, or when one doesn't share in doing the domestic chores.

In such a case, there are two ways to go. Either balance 1 and 2, i.e. one person pays more financially, and the otther person does more chores, or to recognize (3) and (4) as balancing contributions in the equation. Both of these can be tricky, because it can be difficult to put a value on time vs. money and kindness/love vs. time or money.

But sometimes there's a situation that's swo clearly unbalanced, it's simply unacceptable.

For instance, let's say for the most part, the financial situation is balanced. Each person pays half the rent, half the utilities, half the required shopping for necessities and household items, etc.

But then the domestic chores lay entirely on one person's shoulders.

"I do all the chores around the house. I even clean up after your mess -- clothes thrown on furniture, tissues on the floor, drinks left on tables in shared space, . So what do you do to balance that?"

The fact was, I can be comfortable being in a situation where I do more chores around the house if I'm living with a girlfriend, simply because she is my girlfriend and I love her. I was willing to make the sacrifice, because I felt balanced by what she does as a girlfriend, (4). All she needs to do is make me feel good about myself by spending time with me and giving me someone to hold at night, and by appreciating the love we make together. And that's more than I ever need to make up for an unbalanced domestic contribution.

But if I'm with someone who's not my girlfriend, I can't make the same sacrifice, no matter whether I love her or not. To do so would be allowing myself to be used. And I won't do that any more.

I'll stop here and wait for comments and write more later, as this whole subject is exhausting for me.

Ton