Born-again Adult

e·piph·a·ny (courtesy of dictionary.com)

1. Epiphany
   1. A Christian feast celebrating the manifestation of the divine nature of Jesus to the Gentiles as represented by the Magi.
   2. January 6, on which this feast is traditionally observed.
2. A revelatory manifestation of a divine being.
3. 1. A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.
   2. A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization: “I experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that would change the way I viewed myself” (Frank Maier).

This past week has been one of the most intensive learning experiences of my life. It's as though something that had been hidden all my life suddenly became clear. Actually there were many things.

No, I haven't started taking the Ritalin yet. I'm very glad I haven't (incidentally, I still plan to do so), because I would surely have attributed my recent paradigm shift to the effect of the drug, and would never have realized that I could learn something this vital without outside help. The fact that I came to this realization on my own will have a profound effect on my self-esteem.

I'm not saying I didn't have any help learning this lesson at all. In fact I did, very much. My unexpected, and thankfully (apparently) short-lived, breakup with my lover really, really forced me to take a reality check.

I was forced to ask myself, as I lie on the sofa bed all alone, what the meaning of it all was. Why did this sort of thing keep happening to me? And why did I depend on being comforted all the time in order to feel like I wasn't a worthless failure?

Hadn't I found love yet again? Wasn't I truly, and honestly in love with her? Hadn't she loved me back? And wasn't that important?

No. Possibly. I think so. Not so much.

As I thought about it, lying there, the answer suddenly came to me.

If you love somebody, set them free. - Sting

I wasn't setting her free. Yes, I had told her that I was okay with her rejection of the modern concept of commitment. After all, I'm an avid supporter of what I like to call the social renaissance. Infact, I'm very open in terms of the rules in relationships. And my lover had set her rules, very clearly.

Unfortunately, although I never told her she couldn't see people outside of the relationship, I had set unilateral rules on such action, such as "don't do it unless you tell me about it", which I have to admit, was somewhat of an impractical request.

In addition, and more objectionably, I was extremely passive aggressive in giving her indirect pressure to love me. If she didn't feel like holding me I would feel rejected, and then I would sulk, to make sure she knew I felt rejected. If she came home late I wouldn't insist on knowing where she was, but I would hint that if she was doing anything secretive, she should make sure she's being responsible.

It was this kind of pressure that pushed her away from me. And it was entirely all my fault.

I also tended to lay guilt trips on her for not "doing enough" for me, in return for all the things I did for her. This was despite the fact that time and time again, she told me "If you do something for me, it doesn't mean that I have to do soething for you in return. You still don't understand that concept." And she was right. I didn't, even though I tried to convince myself I did.

The truth was that I did have an expectation there that the things I gave her, especially attention, would be appreciated, and reciprocated. But I never really realized how to deal with things if her needs were the opposite of mine: Basically, if she didn't want any attention, then why should I expect anything in return for the attention I gave her?

I didn't realize two very basic concepts:

1: If you want somebody to appreciate you, then you have to do what they want you to do to them (i.e. give them space) rather than what you want them to do to you (i.e. give you some attention).
2: Even if you do do things they want you to do to them, you can't force them to do the things you want them to do to you. You can ask, but you cannot force. And I was passively aggressively trying to force her to give me attention. Instead, what I got was the boot.

In fact, if I need attention, and even after I give her what she needs, if she's still not willing, or capable of giving me what I need, I had two choices:

1. Change my own needs.
2. Look for those needs somewhere else.

I didn't choose either of those. Instead I tried to force her to change what she was willing or able to do for me. Stupid move.

She chose the second. And I got dumped.

And then I was born again.

All of a sudden, I realized that if I really loved her, then I had to love her for who she was, and not who I wanted her to be. When I realized that I did in fact love her for who she was, I was able to drop my expectations. I learned to be nice to her without expecting anything in return. And I learned to be nice to her by giving her what she needs, not what I need.

And this lesson has had a profound effect, not only on my relationship, which now seems to be better than ever before, but on my lifelong dependence on a relationship to validate my sense of self worth. It felt great to not need anything from her that she wasn't willing to give. I felt freer than I had ever felt, in or out of a relationship, in my life. I had suddenly, and unexpectedly, become emotionally self-dependent.

The effect of this has gone even deeper. I was able to forgive my previous ex- as well, and take responsibility for the passive aggressive behavior and emotional dependency that had driven her away. I didn't need her to feel guilty, or to feel anything. I no longer had any expectations from her. Or needs. I had finally let go of the anger and the blame.

So I'm carrying on my life with a new set of rules I've established for myself:

1. Don't expect anything from anyone, and be kind anyway, even if they don't always give you what you want or even appear recognize your kindness in any way.

2. Don't try to force people to change their behavior (including no guilt trips!!!). If their behavior doesn't suit you, then either accept them despite that, or let them go.

3. Do what you think is right to do, and don't expect others to think that's the right thing to do too. Don't even try to justify yourself. Just have faith in your convictions, and recognize the diverse needs of others.

4. Get out of the emotional dependency and get a fucking job! Do whatever I need to do that doesn't require any cooperation or expectations from anyone else except yourself. Try Ritalin. Try meditation. Try masturbation five times a day, in exchange for five minutes of self-organization efforts. But don't try to force someone to love me just so that I can feel better about myself. Because they won't, and I wont.